ripples

In the chaos of my mind, I oftentimes find myself swimming across memories, both good and bad. I go into a dream-like state where I sometimes drown, and struggle to rise above the water of my own ideas.

The spiral of thoughts is like a whirlwind of memories sucking me in, and though I am powerless, I try to resist with so much effort that I strain myself. Thus in so many ways, I am resisting growth. As a tree grows its branches, it must undergo change inside and out – it must accept the rains, the winds, and the scorching heat of the sun, as well as the nourishment of the soil from beneath. It must undergo both pain and pleasure before it can grow. Thus there must be complete surrender to this spiral that embodies both inward and outward motion. Such is the nature of our memories. We must enter into a trance, succumb to the emotions in order to fuel motion, understanding, and self-knowledge, and finally to advance outwards. It is in fact in the unique patterns of our brains that we find ourselves in the rawest form – these patterns represented by the apparent chaos of our thoughts. In the disorder, we then find beauty, for in the upward and downward motion of a spiral, there is duality, there is yin and yang, there is balance. Only in the acceptance of this balance can we allow ourselves to be weak, trusting that in the imbalance, an avenue for discovering a new way to be sturdy will open up.

Thus is the cosmos of our memories – the unity of the conscious and the subconscious, a tapping of the still water which causes beautiful ripples, the unity of the earth and sky, the reflection of the past and the future in the present, time merged in a single moment.

Such was what my mind has feared of undergoing, the ultimate surrender, for in the powerlessness I feared to lose my sanity. I feared of falling, the pain is too much, and so I distracted myself of images, sounds, and movements, almost all from the outside. Thus my soul was stagnant where I stood. I wanted to forget the shame. I evaded the memories, hoping for oblivion to cover me, protect me from the pain. Every time I entered into a trance, I struggled to break free. I was afraid of confronting my demons. However the phantoms of my past, not so far away, kept haunting me, though I tried to suppress them. They kept on resurfacing, disturbing my calm waters. I didn’t welcome vulnerability, yet weaker I became.

In the end I had no peace, nothing could hide me from myself. Resolution: I jumped headfirst into the chaos I so long feared. I submitted to the whirls of memories that has impressed upon me an emotion so strong that it has to have form to be understood.

Surrender. And then Freedom.