wish

may nakita akong shooting star kanina! nan dun ako sa may soccer field, sa may benches sa lover's lane tpos biglang pooff!!!! SHOOTING STAR! astig tlga! kaso ambilis!
tpos iniisip ko kung anu magandang iwish....
wala ako maisip na maganda...para pa ata sa POS 53 paper nawish ko...

after nun biglang nagka-urge akong magtext ng kung sino para ishare iyon....just to share it with someone....anyone....
tpos alam ko na! sabi ko agad, bago pa tuluyang mawala ung bisa nung shooting star...i wished:
"sana the next time i see a shooting star, there'd be someone to share it with"

awwwww.....sapul!

labo

POS 53 mode ulet!

prrrttt....^^,

kanina sa may tapat ministop, katips, may nakita akong rubber shoes na mejo okay pa naman at nasusuot pa...nakakalat lng sa gitna ng kalsada at walang umaangkin...tinanong ko pa ung mama dun kung sa kanya un... nde daw...maganda pa ang design...nakakaBV...

labo...

masarap kumain sa "flaming wings"

masarap daw ung hotdog na pinakuluan ko sabi nung isa kong kid sa san mats!
kahit na habang binabalatan ko ung hotdog, napuputol ko siya....nagmamadali kasi ako!
tsaka ung tinapay na tigpipiso nagustuhan nila, masarap tlga!
at may nadiscover ako, wala silang ref dun, kala ko lahat ng tao may ref! binigyan ko kasi sila ng ice candy na mainit, e iniinom nila ng ganun, sabi ko patigasin muna nila sa ref
yun pala, wala sila nun. ang ignoramus ko, wahahahay...

tpos hindi na muna iddissolve ang san mats! yoohoo!
at least kahit magulo araw ko, maganda naman ending!
hay!
gudnyt! Godbless!

A Song from the Borderless

A little less,
A little more,
A little May be,
May be we'll be together someday,
When time is on our side.

A little yes,
A little no,
Oh baby
Don't you look at me,
May be, I told you
You've taken much from me.

Oh yeah, you push me
More than how I want to be.
I hate you,
Oh can't you just...
Go away.

So much pain,
So much grief,
So much hate,
So much
that I can't see
Anymore how you,
Swept me off my feet.

I never wanted...
I never wanted this for us,
If I could only get us back
When we didn't know much,
Didn't know each other,
Too much to fall, head deep in waters
Too much for us,
Too much for us,
To much...

I hate to think that we'd be apart
I hate to think that we'd be together.
Hold me now,
Hold me now.
Before we,
Break down.

Another fight,
I scream and shout
I've taken much from you,
We're even.
Oh please,
Make it stop,
Let's stop!
Too much for me and you.

I love you,
Don't go.
But I need you to go.
I love you,
Yes, I love you.

Dead Man Walking

"There are spaces of sorrow only God can touch... "
- Sr. Helen

Hindi ako, Kung 'di IKAW

Dear Lord, Light of our lives,
Thank You for loving us without question,
For being there when we need You, even in times when we deny You.
Your are our constant companion,
Our Strength,
Our Everything.
We gather here today for You and Your cause,
To share Your love and celebrate Your Beauty
For in a world where our concept of beauty becomes blurry,
You shine forth and lead us back to Your love.
Allow us to see and experience You in everything we do.
Teach us how to offer ourselves even in our small ways.
Teach us to love as You have loved,
serve as You have served,
and live as you have lived.

So we give glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, and now, and ever shall be,
World without end,
AMEN.

hotline

pag pray ko magclear na ang skies ng buhay mo...


pero kung hindi man, alam kong u'll survive the stroms....at pag kelangan mo ng rescue team, twag ka lang sa 1-000-rafaela

nahuling pagtatampo

Funny how I could read,
Deep within the recesses of your mind.

Wonder how we Changed and forgot how we were,
with all the bright faces
trusting voices.

We heard without a sound.
I loved you as they said I should,
Too much? Too little?
Not so much in love anymore.

I kept the traces of black and white,
but colors, they fade...

As you start that journey, look back,
once,
everyday.
Forgetful mind - my enemy.

I hate you.
Don't make me hate you.
I kept much!
I kept them.

Doon Po Sa Taas

A baby beside me,
Too small to travel in a jeepney
Along this streets full of addicted children
With his mother

Love and Loving
Pain and Hurting
A line the poet could not read
And worse
-They ride...

A three-wheeled monster
which I hate most of the time,
they have a right to be greedy

I ride with them
to Paraiso
on my way home.

para sa pintor

maligaya lahat sa pasko
sabi dun sa kanta
parang biro
hindi ka makahinga sa kapal ng usok
ng pasko

hindi ka makahinga

ang hangin ang buhay
wala ng hangin
sabi nung nagpipinta
ang kulay ng puti't itim
kinagisnan niya
naghalo

belated!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iC0yrr--dHM#

galing sa nagbirthday kahapon

Panawagan sa Hindi Nakaiintindi

Bakit kayo ganyan?
Walang maintindihan sa tula,
Binalot ng karanasang,
Hindi pa napalalim ng pagkakilanlan.

Gunaw

Ang kariktan ng buhay
Sinira ng peste,
Ipis na kumakaripas
Sa sinag ng ilaw

Namamatay.

Natatangay,
Ng alon ng luha,
Ang Sana
Ang Pag-asa.

In Short...

Dali!
Napapagod na ko magalit...

nawala

suminsay ka,
-baka namalikmata lamang

sinisid ang gubat,
gubat na nagbabahay sa kababalaghan,
kababalaghan ng buhay,
buhay na pilit tinatakbuhan.

namaos sa pagkanta,
pagkanta ng papuri,
papuri para sa kung kanino mang magliligtas,
sa iyo.

hayun na nga!
isang guni-guni,
guni-guning likha ng isip,
isip na mapanlinlang.

isip na hindi makasunod,
napapatanga,
sa daloy ng buhay,
buhay na maraming sanga.

payong

nalimutan ko magdala ng payong,
umuulan
nanaman

hindi niya ako pinayungan

Memories

There was a girl
who wrote about herself.
Her dolls, she described,
and most of her guise.
Oh yes she was an actress,
she pretended to be a mother,
a superhero.
and a daughter another time.
And her nephew was the dog,
her sister, still her sister.
Their house was made of pillows,
As well as the motorcycle which got them to the skies.
The old clock on the wall,
it had a key,
and when they turned it,
they'd reach the past and future.

Oh she was happy.
She was everything.
She had everything.

And so she wrote of the time
she was happy.
When she was everything.
and she had everything.
- It made her happy again,
it made people like her too,
For they don't pity her,
they read about her
of the Past,
not Now;
for the Future.

Lie

Why did I do it?
May be because I loved you too much
Or too little.

So much words you should have said,
if only to make me believe;
I might have changed my mind,
I might have stopped praying
for a miracle
which never came.

One more word to tell me
that you're on my side.
I had no fear, I had no doubts,
'til you stopped lying.

Pretty songs for a broken girl
- all you needed
but you risked it
How could you?

"Break her again
Touch her again
Fool her all over again"
I would have gladly flown

naghihikahos

salamat sa iyo kung hindi namatay na siguro ako.
- isang langgam na inanod ng baha.
biglang umulan,
hindi ko inasahan.
buti na lang naalala kita,
- ang yakap mong kailangang kamtin.

meron pang bagang natira,
pwede pa hanggang bukas.

A Prayer

I've forgotten how to pray.

As I have stopped to rest
On your shoulders,
I slept,
And dreamt of odd things
But never of You.
I listen hard
But hear only my voice.
Calling out
Hoping
That You'd save me one more time.

Have I slipped to far,
And grown too old?
Has my heart stopped loving,
As I know I've loved before?

Teach me how to hear.
Show me How to rest.
I'm too tired to figure things out on my own,
Too tired of being old.

Teach me to trust again,
To live again.

Teach me to love,
For I want to know,
how to love you best.

He was laughing again,
Because of me.

I saw him once among the stars,
Now he's with me.
Laughing,
And I, Loving; though I did not know it then.

I wanted to cry,
how I waited for this.

Should I embarass myself,
I would not care.
He'd laugh still.

How I longed for his laughter,
Though I know it's because I was foolish;
He never got tired of seeing me,
never got tired of listening.

And though he never kissed my lips,
he kissed my soul.

Aug 9: The Day They Left

I am crippled.
They carry me on their shoulders,
one by one.
They were kind
and funny;
and now I'm blind.
They read for me,
word per word.
They were patient
and polite;
Now I am deaf.
They guide my touch
inch per inch.
They were soft
though at times crude.

And now i'm grown;
too heavy to be carried around,
too deaf to be read upon,
too dumb to be guided.

fall

you can't keep on falling forever.
in the end you will reach the ground and break your bones.

you can't keep on falling into nothing,
for if so, you would yourself be nothing
constantly dreaming
your fall will not mean anything
but a senseless escape into the abyss which will embrace you forever.

you can't keep on falling,
for if you do, what will become of tomorrow?
your flight will be your trap.
and you will never fly again.

you can't keep on falling forever,
for time will be of no consequence,
moments will be wasted,
life gambled away.

almost

The sound of waves crashing;
Feet under the sand;
Waiting for sunrise;
Keeping our eyes from failing.

Lungs full of breezes from other islands;
Hearts drunk, almost addicted;
Mind swimming through thoughts;
Souls touching, hands barely moving.

And yet there are no drums in the background;
A half-fulfilled fantasy,
Of two people mating,
Learning
Loving

kia

I pity you.
The world will either hate you or use you.

They will hate you,
Because you know it all.
You raise your hand,
Answer the question,
And get praised.
Their eyes speak when you speak:
Their disapproval.


They will use you,
Because you know it all.
They squeeze you dry,
Answer the question,
And get praised.
Their mouths laugh when you laugh:
A mockery.

Then they'd say they could if they wanted to outshine you;
But they're too important to lift a finger;
Be thankful.

Keep me naked, for if not we'd be strangers,
Kiss me with your song, touch me with your breath,
Rob me of my sanity, consume me.
Take me and I'll fly.

Fighting and losing.
I thought we were meant to win.
We're broken, lost into each other,
Inside we burn, we fall, we crash.

Aaaah! You hurt me. Don't hurt me.
We fall.
We burn.
We crash.

In my head you play over... and over.
You owned me, you lost me.
We crash, we cry, we ache.
You lost me.

We feel, and then nothing.
Too much, too little.
You hurt me, don't hurt me.
We're lost.
I lost you.

I'm sorry.

Dila

Maganda siya, morena,
Nakakaaliw kasama.
Pero parang tinik ang dila niya.
Nang namalayan mo, dumudugo ka na.
Pero hindi niya ata sadya,
Ganun lang siya talaga,
Kaso ang sakit hindi na mabubura,
Takpan na lng para 'di niya makita.

ngiti

ang hirap pala sumabay sa galaw ng mundo, lalo pa't wala itong eksaktong direksyong tinatahak, paikot-ikot lng. nakakahilo. at sa bawat pagdaan ng mga araw, ang mga tao sa paligid mo, gumagalaw rin. nakakalito. akala mo hindi sila mawawala, at hindi ka rin lalayo. nakakalungkot. mga bagong mukha ang iyong makakasalubong. ngingiti sila, pero ikaw ay hindi magtitiwala hangga't hindi sila sumisimangot sa iyong pagkadapa.

minsan ka na ring nagpasalamat, naging masaya. bakit parang kay layo na ng mga halakhak. hindi mo na alam ang gagawin. nagawa na ang mga pagkakamali. paano ba babangon? sana may makakasagot. pero wala. sasabihin nila, 'kaya mo yan' o kaya 'maaayos rin ang lahat' ngunit wala pa rin.

ngiti lng ng ngiti. pagod ka na. ngiti pa rin. gusto mo na umiyak. ang mga labi, tuyo na. matatapos rin ito... ngiti lang. sabi nila, magsuot ng maskara, pero hindi ba nakakainis ang pagbabalatkayo? mas mahirap pa ang pagngiti kaysa pagsimangot. pero ngiti pa rin, dahil duwag kang ayaw ipakita sa mundong mahina ka.

sa gabi gusto mo na lang matulog. nauubos na ang kulay mo. kupas. ano pa ang ihahain mo.
wala na. wala na.

prostitute

The rain is calling out her name
Please help her through the pain
It's been so long since she last prayed
For Your mercy.

Hope give her strength for another day,
God give her a break from this cruel game.

She sells herself for her mistakes
She gives her soul for a better mate.
No time to cry herself to sleep,
Her heart can only keep...

The tears she couldn't show anyone,
The love she had for a vanished son.

Bridge:

But if she opened her door
Would you comfort her?
And if she told you her life,
Would you listen?
If she broke down and cried,
Would you wipe her tears?
If she gave you her love,
Would you take her?

recycled

Naputol ang sinulid na tinahi,
Upang ika'y maikubli sa mundo.

Pinagtagpi-tagpi ang tela,
Para sa sirang puso:
Pwede na muling gamitin,
Nang iba'y makasuot
Damit na pinaglumaan
Kahit maraming gusot.

beatle

I never thought this would be
Anything more than a game.

You called me your silly girl dear,
You were my beatle in lime.

You'd dress up all out of style,
I'd laugh out my heart 'til I cry.

You broke down all of my pride,
And watched how I slowly die.

You used all your magic on me,
And now I fear that you might bleed.

Now I realize how you get to me
Now I see how you set me free
'Cause now I can fly like your planes in the sky
Just hope I can be that girl in your eyes.

You often wonder why you came in this world,
I often wish you're for me.

You prey upon you star,
This pain might leave a scar.

Try my lies.
Keep me high.

Broken boy I'll be here for you.
You have brought me closer this time,
To a world I can never surrender.

Fate

We live in different sides of the universe.
Surely we shouldn't have doubted
Fate for bringing us together
Here, at this star, so small yet so bright.

We crossed every ocean, every land,
In search for something greater than ourselves.
We found the grand design,
That meant for me to finally meet you.

I keep on wondering about this day.
To trust on chance that she was untrue.
That every little detail, every narrow road,
brought me precisely to you.

Certainty is hard to grasp.
Faith, I had called for in each sorrow,
A virtue I tried my best to keep in check,
Believing life would not stray me from you.

Many times I prayed for all things to be in place,
Now I know the Lord was listening after all.
My prayers of thanksgiving, I sing in glee.
That God blessed me with love from thee.


I wish someday this poem I sing in truth, and love, and serenity.

tanong

Sino ka ba talaga?
Ano ba talagang gusto mo?
wag magtago sa gitara,
Kumanta ng iyong kanta.

Bakit ba gusto ka nila?
Bakit ba gusto rin kita?
Baka dahil gusto ka nila,
Tumitingin sa mata ng iba.

O baka dahil ayaw mo sila
At parang ayaw mo rin ako,
kaya't nais maangkin ka
Maging ang pipiliin mo.

Paano kung kasi mabait ka,
At laging mapagkumbaba,
Kami'y pinapatawa,
Binibigyang halaga.

my heart =p

bato na nga, nasasaktan pa rin...
O.o

the pope

the pope, he was drunk
And he was hiding behind the crimson room.
He was a holy man
No more.

We need his confession
As the world who confessed to him.
Up at the highest floor,
Venture forth for his version.

They wouldn't let us see him.
He was a busy man.
At the top of the tower
He works with his minions.

No one believed us.
If they only saw with their own eyes,
How he walked as drunk men do
Up to his crimson red covered room.

shells

He was far away and he wrote me a letter,
He whispered in my ears
how he longed for us:
"The shells, shaped like our bodies would nevel feel."
Like we were forever unable to feel each other,
As the ocean fills every grain of sand with its embrace.

But we did meet, somehow,
Under a mushroom tree - which could never be real
And then the rain fell down.

He carried our baby
As he coughed.
Perhaps because of the cold.
And he was sick.

He tried to hide it.
The baby shouldn't hear,
Shouldn't feel
The cough and the cold.

stranger

He was a stranger who I didn't love,
A friend I always wanted,
And a love I could have had
-but only in my dreams.

He changed and became the man I wanted
rather the man I didn't think he could become.
And he did.

And it hurts to know he is no longer the stranger I didn't love.

panibagong suliranin

Bakit ba kapag pinigil ang apoy
Parang lalo pang sumisiklab?
Liliyab, parang gusto lumaban.
May sariling buhay na ipinaglalaban,
Ayaw bitawan.

rose

My dear Rose
She needs my waters
She awaits for the world to tame her.
And follow her.

She loves like other roses:
the best way she can; beautifully.

She pierces his heart with her thorns
As if trying his love and patience.

Sa ilalim ng langit ng umaga
Kumikinang ang iyong mga mata
Sa ilalim ng tubig natutuliro
Hindi makahinga ang iyong puso

Kumalas ka sa kapit ng tinik
Rosas na puting nabahiran ng putik
Ang dating ganda , pilit binabalik
Dalawang pusong 'di dapat magtalik

Kumaliwa ng daan, hindi maaaring
Makita ang mukhang nahuhumaling
Sa dilim ng gabing wala ni isang bituin
Araw na alam nang mayroong ding taning

Ipikit ang mata sa pagsinag ng araw
Sa paghaplos ng init nananatiling maginaw
Isulong ang sirang panaginip ng kahapon
Sakaling maikukulong pa ang mailap na ibon

Dance

A beautiful melody
of laughters
Resounding
Living through the walls of this house

A piano plays
Music keeps dancing
All over
Another symphony after so many beginnings.

The world is moving
with the beat of our drums
Feet meet the ground
Dance life through water and sand

Sway me
Sway me
Take my hand and let's dance life through water and sand.
Free me
Free me
Give me your hand and let's make our beginnings.


After false fires
That burn deeper into our bodies.

Knight

Fly me over the oceans
Rescue me from the storms
Be my savior...

Guide me through your passions
Cover me with desire
Be my music...

For I am fragile
I need saving
The clowns I've drawn
For you to save me from.














Teach me to sway with the breeze
and smell the scent of blood red roses
Be my breath...

Let's walk with bare feet
Bury our souls under the sand
Be my mate...

For the world taught me to be weak
And wait for you to carry me
Up into the skies
Where there's no wind, water, nor fire.

My Silent Affair

I let us lie side by side. I didn’t know him. We were complete strangers before tonight. One could say I did know him, very well, but I just never saw his form with my mind until tonight. We are left in this dark room. I lie rigid at first. His right leg stretched over mine, his hand searching my waist, moving across my belly. Then slowly, softly he sings,

Hold me closer tiny dancer.

Count the headlights on the highway.

Lay me down in sheets of linen.

You had a busy day today.

I touch his hand and kiss his cheek. We lay there, knowing, understanding each other, without movement, without sound.

“Why?” I ask myself. Why do I let him take form?

Eventually, I stop questioning, knowing there would be no answer, at least not yet. I feel my nerves relaxing. I close my eyes. He wouldn’t hurt me; that I’m certain. He was my partner, my other half. His hand, trembling at first, is not threatening, and now it finds repose on my skin. He gave a soft sigh. I could feel his heartbeat calm down.

There are no words and no actions, and there is no sleep though I feel tired. Still I am revived. I am rested. So is he.

Morning comes. The door is still locked, and still there is no sound, no movement. Mercury is rising. The room is still dark though: there are no windows except for a small vent for air. He sweats. I open my eyes. He is looking at me. He says “Good morning,” and smiles the most beautiful smile. He moves a few inches away, giving me space to move and breathe. He hums a beautiful melody.

Afternoon comes. We embrace. He puts his head on my breasts. We finally succumb to slumber. I am his beloved pillow, and he is in turn my beloved doll. I am his ballerina; he is my pianist. He is my Omelas, and I must walk away.

The door opens. He is taken away. He looks at me one last time and smiles. I stay behind. We never see each other again. We didn’t even get the chance to know each other’s name. All I know is that we were one in silence, in that momentary embrace that made us feel unhampered. We were secure; we were intimate – almost dependent on each other. In that moment I was vulnerable, but it was alright, he would not hurt me.

Yes, I walked away because he is a dream, and forever will be a dream. He is not real. I made him up. If I sustain him, breathe life into his mouth, and love him, as I know I tend to, I would die of dreaming. I would have been content, we were perfect, but I know my soul would suffer from misuse. I would have been pouring my love to myself, not to my better half – not even to a real person. Then I would suffocate myself in the room I created. I would have been a coward, afraid of the disappointments, of the heartaches, of the complications. I would have been a fool dreaming her life away.

Yes, he is my lover. He is the specter who visits me at night. Then my mind pushes him away. My mind removes him from that little room in my imagination, because he is not good for me. I can’t be dependent on him. It pushes him away into these words where he could take form but could not harm me. He is my perfect lover, and so he must not win over me, for he would haunt my every relationship. He is my paradise; but the price would always be too much, even more important than utopia – life.

Works cited:

Elton John. Honky Chateau. Island, 1996.

Simon by Lifehouse

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.
'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

(Chorus):
And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

(Chorus)

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

Fear by Sarah Mclachlan

Morning smiles
Like the face of a newborn child
Innocent unknowing
Winter’s end
Promises of a long lost friend
Speaks to me of comfort

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There’s nothing I’d like
Better than to fall
But I fear I have nothing to give

Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
Nothing yields to shelter it
From above
They say temptation will destroy our love
The never ending hunger

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There’s nothing I’d like
Better than to fall
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose...

Wash Away by vertical horizon

An old man lying by the road
Black as night
He's got his finger on the trigger
An easy target in sight
He's got no future, no family tree
He's got a three dollar bottle
And he drinks 'til he can't see
All night, all night...

A young girl waiting on a line
Eight a.m., she's got a six month old burden
Willpower's withering thin
An unwed mother beaten by her trade
Each week her welfare reminds her
Of mistakes she never made
Oh no...

Now what has that to say about tomorrow
What has that to show for today
Noah thought to build an ark
Before the heavens washed it all away
Away...

A baby crying through a dream
An afterthought
Mother is seething for pleasure
After the poison is bought
His eyes are tainted, staggered is his breath
Oh God, he's addicted
Addicted to death
Oh,no...

Tiny Dancer by elton john

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

Jesus freaks out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows, the tune she hums

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can't hear me
When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

ripples

In the chaos of my mind, I oftentimes find myself swimming across memories, both good and bad. I go into a dream-like state where I sometimes drown, and struggle to rise above the water of my own ideas.

The spiral of thoughts is like a whirlwind of memories sucking me in, and though I am powerless, I try to resist with so much effort that I strain myself. Thus in so many ways, I am resisting growth. As a tree grows its branches, it must undergo change inside and out – it must accept the rains, the winds, and the scorching heat of the sun, as well as the nourishment of the soil from beneath. It must undergo both pain and pleasure before it can grow. Thus there must be complete surrender to this spiral that embodies both inward and outward motion. Such is the nature of our memories. We must enter into a trance, succumb to the emotions in order to fuel motion, understanding, and self-knowledge, and finally to advance outwards. It is in fact in the unique patterns of our brains that we find ourselves in the rawest form – these patterns represented by the apparent chaos of our thoughts. In the disorder, we then find beauty, for in the upward and downward motion of a spiral, there is duality, there is yin and yang, there is balance. Only in the acceptance of this balance can we allow ourselves to be weak, trusting that in the imbalance, an avenue for discovering a new way to be sturdy will open up.

Thus is the cosmos of our memories – the unity of the conscious and the subconscious, a tapping of the still water which causes beautiful ripples, the unity of the earth and sky, the reflection of the past and the future in the present, time merged in a single moment.

Such was what my mind has feared of undergoing, the ultimate surrender, for in the powerlessness I feared to lose my sanity. I feared of falling, the pain is too much, and so I distracted myself of images, sounds, and movements, almost all from the outside. Thus my soul was stagnant where I stood. I wanted to forget the shame. I evaded the memories, hoping for oblivion to cover me, protect me from the pain. Every time I entered into a trance, I struggled to break free. I was afraid of confronting my demons. However the phantoms of my past, not so far away, kept haunting me, though I tried to suppress them. They kept on resurfacing, disturbing my calm waters. I didn’t welcome vulnerability, yet weaker I became.

In the end I had no peace, nothing could hide me from myself. Resolution: I jumped headfirst into the chaos I so long feared. I submitted to the whirls of memories that has impressed upon me an emotion so strong that it has to have form to be understood.

Surrender. And then Freedom.

My Fantasy World

Tangle Walker

The picture is that of a fairy-like creature covered with green vines, entangled all over her.

I tend to make things complicated. I aggravate simple things. I worry too much. However, in the end I find myself walking forward despite the tangles in my life. I work my way out of the tangles I myself made the best that I can.

I was good. I knew my path. I could untangle my knots.

I was beautiful.

Pardic Lancer

“He gets to the point right away.”

The picture is that of warriors, pardic lancers, charged for action on a battlefield. Smoke pervades the air, however they valiantly go forth. Now I find myself facing a lot of problems and I try to charge to the very heart of my sorrows, I put my best armor on and try to be as courageous as possible. My strategy is to kill, fight and win over my battles, leaving my emotions behind: I am now a barbarian seeking victory rather than reason. I dismiss pain – leave it behind. They are uncalled for in war. I should be ruthless.

In the battlefield, I get hurt. I cry. I lose my sight of everything beautiful and peaceful. I’m a mess, an invalid, with nothing but pain to go back to.

Wall of Vapor

“My walls are made out of magic alone, stronger than any that ever stood.”

The picture is that of sorcerer in the middle of a dark mist, blocking, and probably blinding travelers who pass by.

I see myself fearing fear even more. I stand in the middle of the mist, putting my defenses very high, afraid of pain. I see myself evading difficulties.

Perhaps I might become a coward.

Perhaps I would build a mystery around me and protect myself with deceit.

I would fear. I would have nothing to give; nothing to gain but pain.

But I have ran from pain once before. I would be alone.

I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be a coward.

I want to love, and be hurt and hurt and feel everything I thought was ugly. I want to feel every pang. I want to risk myself. I want to be free. I want to live and be beautiful once more.

anagrams

Paid.

Lave or Daze a Flame.

I killed.

They pushed me,

Bribed me.

I hate myself.

I killed.

They controlled me,

Restrained me.

I’m sorry.

I killed my heart.

What they offered

I could not refuse.

I would not.

Fad Idea,

Alarm Eva!

Lies, out to take her life away.

Bungles.

Keep her safe.

No! Free her.

Deceit.

Uncover her eyes.

The two anagrams for my name is quite contrasting because the first one succumbs to the material things, sacrificing passion and love in the process. However, the other one, which is quite feministic, seeks justice. Perhaps it shows the battles I have with myself. At this point in my life, I encounter so many crossroads that I feel torn. Nothing is black and white. Thus I find no solace when I open my eyes. All I see is chaos. Sometimes I just close them in an attempt to leave my life to fate. I try to look for the easy way out, oftentimes sacrificing the beauty of the unknown. I bathe myself from all the passion of uncertainty in exchange of the certain. However, in my heart, I know I must fall in that colorful abyss in order to appreciate the meaning of my existence. I am not a puppet. I am the woman of my life. I love myself. I wake myself up, I won’t fool myself.

My Phantom

Ever since I was a child, I have always been afraid of clowns. There is just something about them that gives me the creeps and makes my stomach whirl. Even McDonald scares me; after all he has that big, red lips smiling weirdly at everyone.

I remember when we were still living in San Andres Bukid, my uncle had left us this wooden clown coin bank. It was a miniature of a fat clown, less than a foot tall, with yellow carnival attire adorned with a colorful lace. He wore a brownish hat, and had bright red lips and nose, and big bright eyes. I would always keep it behind the big stuffed toys in our glass closet so that it would remain out of view; I didn’t want to see it; I was scared of it. Its eyes looked at me with suspicion, as if I had done something wrong. Its mischievous smile was like that of the devil. His whiteness was the paleness of ghosts. He was laughing at me, a joker out to haunt my dreams! Indeed I felt him. I knew it was there behind the teddy bears although unseen, waiting for a chance to perform his tricks on me. His eyes were looking at me constantly, judging my every move. I was afraid that it would suddenly come to life and hurt me, punish me for all of my mischief.

One summer, my cousin who was staying with us decided to play a prank on me. He knew I was afraid of clowns and so while I was in my sister’s room, he put the wooden clown outside of the door. Alas, I was trapped and my demon was out to torture me. His eyes, so round, was full of triumph. I was so afraid that I locked myself up in the room. I screamed and screamed, I felt ambushed.

I couldn’t remember exactly what happened afterwards but I do remember how I screamed my lungs out and how dry my throat was. I was going to die. It was getting dark. I was exhausted. I was alone in that small room, pleading for my life. Nobody came – perhaps because we were children who play and scream a lot in a world only we could understand. I was alone, completely devoid of any savior.

Another time my family and I were in Tondo with my relatives. It was fiesta and there were a lot of people in the narrow streets. There were food and games. There were clowns!

I stayed inside the house, away from all the festivities, away from the hideous smiles on everyone’s faces. I say hideous because to me I was in a nightmare full of phantoms, which ironically everybody seemed to love. Only I can see through their disguises! Clowns deceive; I hate them.

I looked down on their merriment through the bars of the window on the second floor. Right below me, there was a clown, with hair made out of yarn and a face painted with white and red. There were children all over him as he was about to perform a trick. He put a piece of thread and several blades into his mouth. Yes, the blades used for shaving! He swallowed them with ease. I was devastated, but my curiosity got the best out of me. And besides, I knew I was safe, inside the house, separated from everyone else by the bars of the window. I continued watching how he pulled the thread out of his mouth with the blades hanging on it. I recall how he glanced my way after that, and I could swear he looked right at me, giving an inviting look.

Of course, I never went down.

WHO IS TYLER DURDEN? The Confessions of an Addict

In the movie Fight Club, almost half of the film shows the main character, Jack hiding in the shadow of Tyler Durden, the alpha male of all fight clubs. It shows the transformation of the narrator’s life, showing how he changed as Tyler guided him into letting go of fear, pain and loss. Tyler was his liberator. At the end of the film however it was revealed that Tyler was none other but his alter ego. It was he who had done all the things Tyler did. Indeed, he was just a pigment of the narrator’s imagination…or was he?

Certainly he was as real as the narrator made us believe. He might not be as substantial as true flesh, but in spirit he was alive. He was as real as the narrator was; in fact he was a significant part of him. It is so because it was inevitable for him to express what the conscious mind avoided to acknowledge, and Tyler was the product of this suppression.

Jack hated his life, his job, the world and his empty house. He hated consumerism because he was a slave to it. He could not break free from these things. He was alone. He couldn’t sleep; he had no peace. He doesn’t know how to fill up his empty life. And so, he resorted to addiction: first was his addiction to buying furniture in order to fill up the space around him, then his addiction to therapy, and lastly his addiction to fighting.

But his emotions could not be suppressed – those which he hated surrounded him everyday. Thus his alter ego had to move for him: Tyler took form. He acted the way the narrator could not. He was stronger, smarter, and more handsome. Tyler overcame the true self, doing things the other wanted but could not do. Tyler was the center; Jack – a mere shadow following around his own creation.

Interestingly, I understood the Jack. I’ve watched this in Oprah so many times. They feature different kinds of people with different kinds of addiction: drug, shoplifting, sex, gambling and even plastic surgery addiction. Then guest psychologists and experts would announce that these people resorted to these not primarily for the adrenaline rush, but as a way of evading the bigger issues in their lives. Eventually, these people ended up leading double lives and going through great depression.

Young as I am, I know depression very well. I could not remember when it started exactly, but I know that somewhere in my life I learned to hate myself so much I wanted everybody else to like me – if not love me – in order to replace the love I can not give myself. Why? Perhaps because of my insecurities, or may be because I knew I wasn’t a movie star, a model or a superhero just like I wanted to be. I felt weak and became a shadow of my dreams.

What was amusing though was that in my heart I knew I was lying. I did love myself, I just didn’t know how to express it. What I did know however was that I wanted everyone’s approval. I had to be good and agreeable at least if I were not going to be a princess in a fairy tale. Perhaps in gaining people’s smiles I would feel good about myself. However each smile wasn’t enough; they were meaningless because I knew they smiled out of respect. I couldn’t blame them – I had no substance to offer because I was empty just like Jack. And so I started my addiction: I buried myself in motion.

I attended every activity there was to attend. I busied myself. I couldn’t stop moving. Constantly I flew from branch to branch, seeking shelter where I knew I would find only temporary lodging. I thought that perhaps in my flight I would find myself or at least someone who’d accompany me in my journey.

Eventually I got tired of it all. Then in one of the branches I landed on, I met someone: a mentor in every sense of the word: He lived his life in extremes, spoke with wisdom, moved with precision, loved generously; and everything he knew he would tell everyone willing to listen and learn. One day he saw me sitting alone, away from the disorder of everyone else. He praised me and said, “In stillness there is stability.”

Never had my defenses been so overtaken. I felt like he mocked me. I was still because I was planning on my next move, not because I was stable. He saw through my pretenses. I was a fraud. He broke down the wall I put up around me. At that moment I realized that I wasn’t flying; I was fleeing. I was afraid of accepting my faults and so I couldn’t fill myself up with strengths. I wanted other people to shower me with merits and praises so that I would feel better about myself that I forgot that the air could not carry me if my wings were not free to move. Indeed I was carrying a burden too heavy: my insecurities. It was myself after all I was running from, and I could not find peace because there was no place to hide. The only way I could have a home is when I establish my feet on the ground first.

I dug deep. It was hard. I would have to dig up everything I buried and plant my roots among the sorrows that make my lands rich. Eventually I learned to accept myself. I looked in the mirror smiling, thinking to myself how wonderful my world could be, if only I would cultivate it properly. I held my pains and used them to make myself better. What I once despised in myself now serve as the waters in my rivers, the waters that make my leaves green.

WORKS CITED:

Fight Club. DVD. Dir. David Fincher. Perf. Brad Pitt, Edward Norton. Art Linson Productions, 1999.

12 Seconds - The Little Match Girl

A little bit of warmth,
A little spark of light,
For a poor broken girl
On a cold winter night.

A stick to start a fire;
A sun for the lark;
An innocent's desires;
Apparitions in the dark.

Stampede

The incident last Saturday afternoon still bothers me. Who would think a simple game show (Wowowee) would turn into such a tragedy? But after all, it wasn't just a simple game show, it was those people's hope.
Everybody came there to have fun, celebrate, and hopefully bring something home to their families.

When I opened the TV this morning, the first thing I saw was the Sunday mass homily on ABS-CBN. Everybody who attended wore white and had gloomy faces. The priest told a heartwarming speech about the tragedy and remarked that we probably question our responsibility in what happened. The answer he says was in a question Ignatius of Loyola asked: "What have I done for Christ(them)? What am I doing for Christ(them)? What ought I to do for Christ(them)?"
It is not just in our actions, but in our inaction.
It is in our immersion, not innocence, that we can be proud of ourselves.

Sana lang we remember to be sympathetic, the world has become numb of its wounds. The government is now "finding the facts"; in my opinion, finding someone to blame! Of course it is necessary to find the people who are really responsible for the deaths of our brothers and sisters, but the real investigation should ask, Why has this happened? Could it be that these people are gambling their lives in front of our very eyes just to win some sense of self-worth in a material world, while we are doing nothing about it?

Hope we spend even a little time and offer a sincere prayer for our brothers and sisters, and for their families as well. Let us make their deaths meaningful.

O.o

In Memoriam

A candle burning
Softly into the darkness
of sadnss,
despair.

They swarm;
moths to a flame

archetypes

A mother is someone who does what she thinks is right for you. She bathes and clothes you with the love that even though you disagree with her oftentimes, she would always be your home.

A father is someone who sends you out into the world with a body, a soul... and a luggage full of pride. He constantly boasts of your achievements to his “beerkadas”

A child is person who makes your day both heaven and hell. A child's smile will brighten the most destitute; his/her nagging would tire the most patient nun.

A hero is a person who puts down his/her fears for someone else, even if that someone else is someone he hates. He is the brave soul who holds his fear as if it were his weapon.

A shadow is an impression of an object against light. It is the symptom of the irregularity and duality of life: it is the art created by the light and its absence.

An animus is the protector in every person’s soul. He is the bold and proud lion king. He would fight for his pride; possessive he will always be.

An anima is the heart...where all emotions take toll. She is the mother, the sister and wife we all are to ourselves. She cries the sorrows, embraces the pains, and washes the dishes.